does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
