Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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