fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
