Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
