So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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