What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
