Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
