Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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