I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
