Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
