"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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Even my vagina gasped.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
NoShamevember. You game?
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Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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