Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
