Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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