I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
