help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
