How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
