You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
