Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
