i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
