Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
