I don't usually arrange sex via text message
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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