saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
