i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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