I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
