billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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