I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
