if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
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Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
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Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain