Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
