this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
