According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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