Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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