I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Come on in and take your pants off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
