he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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