its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
