Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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