You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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