You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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