I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
