I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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