I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize