Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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