Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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