I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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