$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
