So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
