who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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