You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
