your parents love me but you hate me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
