I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
