Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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