My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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