We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
