things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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