She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
please don't ironically join a cult
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