When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize