you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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