so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
