i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
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