i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
