sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
